Ending the Oppression

The Official Secrets Act has been in the headlines a lot as of late, mainly because of its utility in muzzling the mouths of those who would dare threaten the survival of our nation by revealing the most private and confidential secrets of the state. Not a single time have I opened the pages of my daily newspaper to be greeted with the revelation of another outrageous betrayal of our most secret documents without a shudder travelling down my spine.

After all, who could not be moved by the depravity of those fiends, those slanderous hounds? The people who would dare reveal such important and national security-threatening information as toll and water concessions? Have they no conscience? Have they no love for our country? Have they no respect for the rule of law, for the sanctity of the law? Why can they not see how they are harming our country every time they open their mouths to tell the whole wide world of the excesses of our government?

At this point, your mouth may be agape. You may be unable to fathom the path my logic has traced through the woods of thought and contemplation. Permit me to explain myself. First, let us be clear about one thing: the government is not accountable to us. It has never been, and it never will be, as long as there is a Malaysia to speak of. Rather, it is we, the people, who are accountable and responsible to our government. It is not our feudal lords who serve us, but we who serve our feudal lords. That is how it has always been for centuries on our little peninsula known as Tanah Melayu (land of the Malays - and never you mind those pesky second-class Bumiputra across the South China Sea who might wonder why they aren't included here), and that is how it will always be.

Some might question this under the excuse that we are a democracy. Indeed we are, my friend, but we are a democracy with Asian and Islamic values. Have you ever heard of an Asian or a Muslim who criticised his leaders? Who spread their secrets across the four corners of the globe under the pretext of accountability and transparency? Those Malaysians who refuse to stay true to our nation's Asian and Muslim heritage cannot count themselves as Malaysians. They are very fortunate that they have not been deported - and indeed, worse can happen. After all, what was the penalty in the time of Hang Tuah for betrayal of the Sultan? That's correct - death.

All right, so perhaps those traitors have correctly noted that the typical Malaysian was ripped off by the government when it inked those secret concessions. But secrets are not secrets for nothing! Have we no trust in our elected leaders to do what is right for us? Perhaps we short-sighted, mere mortals cannot see how these expensive concessions would actually benefit us in the long run! How can we criticise the government if we do not know all the details? It is true that the Ministers concerned have been very tight-lipped about how these concessions benefit the rakyat, but that is only because they know what the word "secret" means - unlike certain people who claim to love our country, but seek to destroy it by tossing our national secrets to the vagaries of the winds of gossip and rumour-mongering.

They might call for the Official Secrets Act to have its scope limited to merely issues of national security, or some such other thing. But doesn't this betray a fundamental lack of trust in our democratically-elected leaders to do the right thing? Why must we fetter them with these so-called "checks and balances", when the very point of electing our feudal lords is to give them full discretion to reign over us? Isn't that why we fought for merdeka in the first place?

And, hey, even if our feudal lords are not accountable to us, it is not as if we cannot voice our disapproval at the ballot box. Haven't we Malaysians expressed our fullest confidence in the government in every single general election, giving it a majority of Parliamentary seats? Didn't we reward our honest and hard-working Prime Minister, Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, with a 90% Parliamentary majority in the last general election? Okay, so perhaps the malapportionment of seats meant that even though only about 65% voted for Barisan Nasional, it won 90% of the seats, but does it matter? Point is, we have given our government full legitimacy to govern! How can we suddenly revoke our trust from them simply over one or two tiny issues about tolls or water concessions? Isn't it us not holding up our end of the bargain, when we promised the government a full five-year term to govern with our complete trust?

Remember, that is not even the issue here - forget good governance, accountability, or transparency! Never mind that these were key planks of the Barisan Nasional platform in the 2004 general election - our leaders know best, right? After all, it is not easy being Prime Minister, or Transportation Minister, or Cultural Minister or Bodek Minister or what have you. Being in the Cabinet is not a mean feat, friends. Don't you realise how much ass our leaders had to kiss to get where they are today? Why can't we leave them to their just rewards for being great bottom-lickers and give them a free ride on the gravy train? Isn't that the least they deserve for all their service to our country?

Right, so perhaps all they are good at is ass-kissing. Maybe they've failed to deliver on all those brilliant visionary goals they've laid out. Maybe all they're good for is drawing up meaningless blueprints and then going back to do more butthair-manicuring. But aren't we one of the most developed nations in Southeast Asia? Aren't we lucky to be able to maintain a school system that segregates all our young, so they don't have to run into those frightening people who aren't the same colour as them? Aren't we so fortunate to have so much peace and calm in a racially-heterogenous country? And no, honestly, how can you call those keris-waving patriots in UMNO traitors? What did they ever do to you? All they did was stand up for their rights that the other races have been unfairly infringing in the name of so-called "equality". And no, those Indonesian and Indian hooligans running around breaking into houses and stealing manhole covers aren't disturbing the peace either - they are merely expressing their joy of living in such a free and peaceful society as ours.

But let us not forget who the real traitors are, at any rate. The real traitors are those fools who want to destroy our country by flouting the Official Secrets Act. Tak tahu apa makna "rahsia", ke? If our leaders have classified something as secret, it is secret. Full stop. We have elected our leaders to govern us, and as the feudal lords of the federation of Malaysia, they have complete dominion over our nation. Ours is not to question, folks. Our leaders know best, for unlike the common man, they are not swayed by the tide of public opinion or by the vagaries of emotions.

No, friends, for they are some of the most level-headed people around, and most importantly, they stay true to their principles. The time-tested principles of stealing from the nation's coffers, raping the forests and rivers of our land, and ransacking the nation's bounty have held our government in good stead for decades, and will continue to do so for as long as our country lives. Recall, my friends, Malaysians (first-class, economy-class or otherwise) and countrymen, that this is what we strived so hard for when we worked towards merdeka.

Remember, my fellow patriots, how disgusted we were with the British, pillaging and blatantly plundering our nation's resources. Recall how terrible it was to be governed by such despotic and spineless men! That, dear friends, is why we fought so hard to win our hard-earned merdeka - to liberate our country from the oppression of the white man, and to once more make our true masters, the feudal lords of Barisan Nasional, reign supreme. Never forget, fellow Malaysians, that this is what we fought for - to transfer the power to plunder from the hands of our unelected colonial masters in London, to the hands of our elected colonial masters in Kuala Lumpur. In our 50th year of independence, there is no better lesson we can learn from the struggle of our forefathers that our leaders know best, and that it is they who reign supreme in our beloved nation, driving it towards an ever-brighter future without the fetters of "checks and balances" that some pitiful unAsian democracies like the Philippines have seen fit to implement.

This 31st August, it will, as I have said, be 50 years since we won our independence. As we launch our magnificent "made in China" illegal fireworks, and wave our brilliant Jalur Gemilang, I hope that we will not forget to shed a tear of joy for our country. A tear of joy for the fact that it is no longer alien white men with funny accents who reign as undemocratic tyrants in our land, and a tear of joy for the fact that it is now true, home-grown native sons with mangled Manglish who reign as our beautiful, principled, ass-kissing democratic tyrants. Keranamu Malaysia!